Taking one for the team” means giving up your own comfort or pleasure so the team can prosper. I took one for the team this weekend. Last month my wife suggested that we add a layer of insulation in the attic. Our attic already had about 6” of blow-in insulation between the joists. We would get an energy tax credit equal to the cost of the insulation up to $500. Whenever she starts a sentence with, “I think that we” it means that she has a project for me that will be difficult since I have no skill and no tools. She asked if Bluelinx had any insulation. It just happened that we had some insulation that was on our slow moving inventory list so I did what was best for Bluelinx and bought the remaining 4 bags of insulation and brought them home with me on Friday night.
The first part of Saturday morning was spent scrounging the house for every scrap of plywood and lumber that could be used to cover the joists. I pushed up the first bag and gleefully scampered up to distribute it. It was only then that I realized how little room there was to move around. The pitch on the roof was 3/12 so I my crawl space was about 24” high. I discovered when I crawl that my head and butt have an inverse relationship. If I lower my head to pass under the cross bracing, my butt rises up and I scrap the lumber with my back and my belt. Several times I got stuck. If I lower my butt it raises my head and I slammed it against those blasted 2x4’s at least 20 times over a 2 day period. The next problem was breathing. Every time I moved it stirred up black particles that I ingested at a rapid rate. This made it harder to breathe which made me frantic which caused me to move erratically which stirred up more dust and black matter. I had my wife buy some cloth masks which I wore on Sunday but after 30 minutes both sides of the mask were covered with black dust and fiber. Call me eccentric but I enjoy breathing.
I had to quit Saturday after distributing the contents of one bag. I was getting cramps in my hip, cramps in my calf muscles and my knees were raw from crawling along the boards. Sunday afternoon I was determined to finish this task. I got a few more scraps of plywood and covered all the joists I needed to crawl along. I set a lamp up by the access hole and I had a flashlight to light the far end of the attic. I attacked. I pushed 2 bundles of insulation to the end of the house. I wasn’t going to make the mistake of dragging the insulation piece by piece the length of the house. I quickly laid the contents of one bag in the far corner and then went to cut open the next bag. Since I had never studied law I made a horrible mistake by violating the laws of science. These bags are shrink-wrapped only after they suck all the air out of them. My back was up against a vertical 2x4 and when I cut the bag, air filled the porous cavities of the insulation causing it to double in size. Now this noxious insulation was on my lap and wedged up against the roofline. I couldn’t push it forward and I couldn’t get it off me. Fiberglass has 2 basic properties. #1. It is very porous and traps airs slowing the transfer of heat. #2. It’s annoying to the skin. I could feel the fibers on my pants, in my pants, and against my skin. You might feel the same sensation if you slide naked across 127 cactus plants. I couldn’t move to the left and I couldn’t move to the right. My back was against a 2x4 so my only option was to burrow underneath it, letting it slide to the spot I just occupied. Now I had fiberglass fiber on every inch of my clothing. I laid all 10 pieces of that bag and began the 40’ crawl on swollen knees to get the last bag. I hit my head again so I lowered it to clear a support member but as I wobbled underneath it my pants got stuck on a nail. I tried to move forward. I was stuck. I tried to move backward. I was really stuck. I tried rocking sideways but almost fell off the board. I was alone, stuck on a nail with no way to contact anyone. My wife wouldn’t be home for 3 hours.
I asked myself, “What would MacGyver do? “ I agonized over any possible solution. Ultimately there was only 1 resolution to my predicament. I had to move forward, leaving my pants behind. I unzipped and unbuttoned then I realized that I would also have to remove my shoes since they wouldn’t slide through my pants. I began humming the stripper as I slowly pulled myself along by my elbows and forearms. Inch by inch my pasty white fiberglass infested legs were exposed. I was cold now but I was free. I hastily unhooked my pants from the nail and balancing myself on a narrow board I quickly slide my fiberglass infused pants over my fiberglass covered legs. I found my shoes and after dumping out 3 inches of cellulose insulation I put them back on my numb feet.
I wanted to call it quits but I knew I could never bring myself to go up in the attic again. I cut the last bag open and hastily spread its contents. I was a few pieces short but I didn’t really care. My knees were scrapped, bruised and swollen but I knew that wasn’t really important. My bloodied head was of no consequence. My aching shoulders and cramped muscles didn’t matter at all. I knew that I would now have to see a doctor for my twisted back but that was not a problem. You see, I was a Bluelinx employee and we had sold the last of the slow moving insulation. I felt good about myself knowing that the stockholders of this august organization could now have a merry Christmas. I took one for the team but I just hope and pray we don’t need to sell slow moving plumbing.
I asked myself, “What would MacGyver do? “ I agonized over any possible solution. Ultimately there was only 1 resolution to my predicament. I had to move forward, leaving my pants behind. I unzipped and unbuttoned then I realized that I would also have to remove my shoes since they wouldn’t slide through my pants. I began humming the stripper as I slowly pulled myself along by my elbows and forearms. Inch by inch my pasty white fiberglass infested legs were exposed. I was cold now but I was free. I hastily unhooked my pants from the nail and balancing myself on a narrow board I quickly slide my fiberglass infused pants over my fiberglass covered legs. I found my shoes and after dumping out 3 inches of cellulose insulation I put them back on my numb feet.
I wanted to call it quits but I knew I could never bring myself to go up in the attic again. I cut the last bag open and hastily spread its contents. I was a few pieces short but I didn’t really care. My knees were scrapped, bruised and swollen but I knew that wasn’t really important. My bloodied head was of no consequence. My aching shoulders and cramped muscles didn’t matter at all. I knew that I would now have to see a doctor for my twisted back but that was not a problem. You see, I was a Bluelinx employee and we had sold the last of the slow moving insulation. I felt good about myself knowing that the stockholders of this august organization could now have a merry Christmas. I took one for the team but I just hope and pray we don’t need to sell slow moving plumbing.
No comments:
Post a Comment