My Netti Pot

I love coming home after a hard day's work.  Usually there is the aroma of a wonderful meal being prepared and my lovely wife greets me with a passionate kiss.  Monday was quite different.  When I got home the first thing I saw on the counter was a small, cute, blue plastic tea pot.  It looked like a piece from a child's first tea set.  Initially I was perplexed, and then an evil grin spread slowly across my face since I knew that we were going to play games again. My hopes took a hit as Sandy came into the room and asked if I saw the Netti-Pot.

"You know you snore," she told me.  She went on to explain that the Netti-Pot was a way to wash out the sinus cavity in an effort to dry it out and make it easier to breathe at night.  I asked her how it works.  She showed me a small package that you dissolve in hot water in the pot (a saline solution).  Then you lean over a sink, tilt your head to the side, open your mouth and pour the hot water through one nostril and it exits out the other.  The end of the spout is round and much larger than the rest of the spout.  This allows the pot to seal up the nostril as you pour. Some men look forward to a night of caressing and hugging.  I get to use the Netti-Pot.  The anticipation was killing me.  Here was a chance for every nose follicle to experience the thrill of a wash and blow-dry.  I couldn't wait for 10 o' clock to come.

 That much anticipated moment finally came.  Sandy stood nearby in the bathroom to insure that my technique was appropriate.  I took a wide stance insuring a strong base as I leaned forward over the sink.  I tilted my head to the right as I lifted that pretty blue medicinal device to my nose. I gently inserted the spout and began to pour.  As a small trickle began to flow from my right nostril I notice that Sandy was getting excited.  I poured faster and her breathing became more labored and she edged closer to me.  I tilted my head in the other direction and poured that life-giving liquid in a steady flow and Sandy couldn't take it any longer.  She wrapped her arms around me and whispered, "you are so exciting!"  As I finished pouring those 65 quarts through my sinus cavity, she squeezed me and all that water under pressure exploded.  Water shot through my nose and ears.  Saline solution dripped from my mouth.  Salt water coursed down through the tear ducts and streamed down my face. 

 The moment was gone.  The magic had disappeared.  Nothing says romance like water cascading from every orifice in your head.  I toweled off and blew my nose and I knew that I would only get a perfunctory kiss that night.  The salt from the saline solution was now doing its work and I might as well been in a wind-blown desert.  My nose felt like a prune but it would be worth it if Sandy was happy.  I'm now scheduled to use this miraculous device every night.

 I am resigned to my fate.  I am going to get pleated shirts, sit at tables with scented candles and eat quiche.  I was secure in my masculinity but now everything has changed.  My best friend is now a blue plastic kid's teapot.