Hammocks in Costa Rica

Leftovers from Montezuma, Costa Rica 

Our motel room was fine but there was one little idiosyncrasy.  The walls in the bathroom didn't go all the way up to the ceiling.  There was a slight 8 to 10 inch gap on either end where the 8’ wall ended and the rafters continued to the peak of the roof.  This gap was not a problem until the last night because the rooms on either side of us weren't occupied.  Monday night we heard someone move into one of the rooms as we were going to bed.  Their talking didn't bother us so we ignored the noise, shut the bathroom door and turned off the light.  There is a state of mind your body gets to right before you go to sleep.  This is that time where young boys slay dragons, teens dream of catching the game winning touchdown pass, and men envision heroic deeds on their career path.  It’s relaxing and euphoric at the same time and now I was in my happy place.  I'd forgotten that the bathroom door doesn't stay shut unless you locked it from the inside.  There was no latch on it so it had slowly swung open. 

Suddenly there was an unusual noise coming from the bathroom and I was jolted awake.  I hadn't heard this noise since I was a young boy living on an acreage.  The only logical explanation in my altered state of consciousness was that there was a large horse somewhere nearby vigorously peeing on a flat rock.  As I slowly came to my senses I realized what was happening.  I was in a motel in Costa Rica, the room next to me was occupied, and one of the occupants of that room was taking a shower.  The showers were a cement cube and the water pipe extended along the ceiling to the middle of the cube, from there the water fell 8 feet to the cement floor.  I made a mental note to myself to sing loudly and off key when we got up early and used the bathroom the next morning. 

Another unusual feature of this motel was the large lounging area which was really a covered patio.  You could sit in a chair and look out at the ocean or you could lay in one of a dozen hammocks hanging from the ceiling.  Practically every time we went to our room we saw people swinging and relaxing in the hammocks.  The night before we left I mustered up all the courage I could spare and decided to try one of these hedonistic contraptions.  I pulled at the hooks in the ceiling to make sure they were anchored properly.  I inspected the fabric to make sure there were no holes or weak points that couldn't hold this magnificent human edifice.  Lastly, I waited and did the most important thing of all.  I looked down the hallways and scanned the patio to make sure no one else was around.  I was all alone except for the presence of my lovely, ever-supportive wife.  I backed up to the hammock slowly and gingerly transferred my weight to this legendary device that was about to provide me blessed relief from all my worldly cares.  Blissful tranquility was just moments away.   

You know, I never really liked science.  I had to take one science course in college so I took Rocks 100 (basic geology).  No biology, no chemistry, and certainly no physics.  Now the laws of science jumped up and bit me.  I felt as though I was in a rollaway bed in a cheap motel and the bed had just closed up on me.  I was bent at the waist and my eyes had an unusually close view of my knobby knees.  I should have known this would happen.  The 2 hooks that held the hammock up were only 4 foot apart.  I had just dumped over 200 pounds of dead weight into the middle of an unsupported piece of fabric and I thought this would be fun?  This might have been one of the few times in the last 30 years where I could reach out and both see and touch my toes.  I know now why babies cry when they come out of the womb.  It’s because they have been cramped and crunched into this awful position for the last nine months.  This just wasn't for me.   

I tried to sit up but there wasn't anything to push against.  I finally hooked my arms around my knees and tried to swing them over the edge.  The problem was that I couldn't lift my knees up high enough so my feet would clear the edge of the fabric.  I heard snickering and I glanced up at Sandy.  She tried to hide her face in a book but I could see the evil grin on her face and the twinkle in her eyes.  Her hand was over her mouth now but I could see her shoulders heave up and down noiselessly.  My task was further complicated because my frantic movements had caused the hammock to start swinging.  I tried to stretch out and roll over the edge but all that did was put me face down and desperate to breathe.  I rolled back over and tried to throw my arms over the edge of the hammock.  Maybe Sandy could then help pull me out.  I realized I was on my own when I saw her laying on the cement floor bound up in fits of hysterical laughter.  Tears were rolling down her face and I saw neither sympathy nor compassion.  The more I moved, the more she laughed.  I finally hooked a single leg over the side and was able to half fall and half roll out of this death trap.  I landed on my feet but the hammock was swaddled around my butt like a huge thong.  The hysterical howling from the floor continued but I pried that awful material from me with all the grace and dignity I could manage.  I will never succumb to that temptation again.