Bats in the living room

It had been a good day. I had been at my mother's 75^th birthday party all day.  We grilled for lunch and had a meal catered for supper so there was plenty to do since there were about 35 people present.  There was a pool next to the clubhouse and my cousin's 3 children had spent much of the afternoon playing in the water.  I could see that their play time was much too mild so I began to do my imitation of a shot putter using the 12 year old girl, the 11 year old boy and the 9 year old boy as the shot put.  I would lift them up and launch them with my right arm as far and high as they would go and they would scream with delight as they hit the water.  I must have thrown each one into the pool at least 10 times so my arm was dead. We had a good time the rest of the evening with relatives but finally at about 9:00 PM, my blushing bride loaded up her car with decorations and left-over food and headed for home.  She had worked hard all day and was tired.

 I helped bring food, decorations and dishes to my sister’s house 80 feet away and then started to say my goodbyes.  My brother from Denver then handed me his cell phone. My wife was on the line and she wasn't pleased.  As she unloaded her car and entered the house through the garage, she thought a large moth had followed her into the house.  She looked for the moth and discovered that it was actually a large, ugly, bloodsucking building-product-wholesaler-hating black bat.  It landed on the blinds in the living room and dared anyone to bother him.  She tried to call me but my cell phone was at home.  She called the Polk County Sheriff’s office but they told her to call “Critter Control”.  She dialed their number and left a message on their answering machine (this was Saturday night and they called back Tuesday morning).  She was desperate so she tried my brother’s cell phone.  She didn't call to say she loved me.  She didn't call to say how glad she was to be my wife.  She didn't even call to thank me for all my hard work that day.  It was the usual.  She called because she wanted my body; she wanted it to single-handedly face that bat in mortal combat, a fight to the death.   She had closed all the doors in the house and now that bat calmly waited for my arrival.   

I got home as soon as I could.  I entered through the garage door since I knew I would need a tennis racket.  The theory was that the bat's radar would go through the strings rendering it unable to detect it as it sliced through the air.  I brought the racket into the house and went directly to the coat closet.  There I kept my secret weapon, the one item all bats detest - a pith helmet.  I put it on and immediately my confidence level soared.  Now I was protected since the bat couldn’t land in my hair.  The bats fangs were now rendered useless against my soft underbelly, i.e. my scalp.  I hitched up my pants, pulled my belt tight and walked into the arena

I approached the bat slowly and carefully.  I tried to stare it down but he didn’t bat an eye.  I circled to my left, looking for an opening but there was none since his eyes swiveled to meet mine. I held out the racket in front of me and as I tried to poke him he took off and flew toward my head.  The tennis racket went flailing to my left and the bat swerved and circled around for another attempt at exposing my carotid artery.  I took a step back and reminded myself of the proper bat swatting form.  Let him commit to a path, keep a good firm base, never flinch, use short explosive swings and always follow through.  The bat hesitated for a moment and then flew forward toward my neck.  I smiled now for I had become one with the racket and I knew that in a short time one of us would be dead. All motion seemed to slow and I calmly executed a drop step with my right foot and pivoted to my left.  My right arm was a piston of explosive fury and power and in a single motion the bat’s future was decided.  I made solid contact in the middle of the racket and my follow through was a text book example. Two sounds immediately followed.  There was a soft crunching noise as the bat was thrown into the wall and then I heard the sound of wood on wood as my racket slammed into the entertainment center to my left.  I would have to look at the entertainment center later since I knew the blow was fatal and I didn’t want the bat to bleed all over my wall and rug.  I called for a paper towel and my faithful sidekick Sandy rushed one to me.  I gentled picked up the bat and carried it out to the garage where I dropped it on the cement floor.  I needed to make an example of this bat so others wouldn’t follow his lead.  A 2x4 was dropped and the bat rebellion was crushed. 

My adrenaline was flowing so I knew I wouldn’t be able to go to bed immediately.  I spent the next few minutes reliving other proud moments.  I thought back to the time when I killed several spiders threatening to enter the house.  Who could forget the time I had swatted over a hundred flies in the garage.  I smiled faintly as I recalled the time I cornered two crickets who had kept us up all night.  Those were good times but the struggle for supremacy with the bat was far more satisfying.  My courage and skill had been tested but my virility had once again been confirmed.  It certainly had been a good day.