I am on the home stretch with my basement remodeling project. The family room is done and all the carpet has been laid. I needed to install the moulding in the bedroom downstairs and hang some casing on 3 doors. I got up early Saturday to go to Home Depot since I needed a nail set, some wood filler, and a vent. I grabbed a $50 bill and jumped into my truck. At Home Depot, I grabbed the wood filler and then bent down to get a white vent. I think the whole store heard the riiiiiiiipppppppp sound as the seam in the crotch of my pants gave up the good fight and let the forces of science take over. Oh the shame, oh the humanity, oh the draft up my thoracic cavity.
I quickly stood up and turned my back toward the vents. I strained to remember if this was the day I was wearing underwear. When I confirmed that there was still 1 thin layer of fabric between me and an indecent exposure charge, I was able to take a deep breath and plan my strategy. I would hug the wall and work my way out of the store always facing any pair of human eyes. Gracefully I bent my knees keeping my back straight and lowered my body until I could put the vent back in the right place. I looked toward the front of the store and realized there were too many people there to execute a swift merciful escape. Keeping my back to the shelves, I walked sideways to the back of the store. I dropped the wood filler on a waist high shelf and I quickly began walking sideways again to the very far corner of the store. I knew there would be fewer people back there and I planned to work my way past the service counter and out to my truck. Keeping my back to the shelves, I continued to smile whenever I saw someone in my aisle. Eventually as I neared the front of the store, a Home Depot employee asked me if I needed any help. I told him I was just hanging out and didn’t need any help and continued my sideways shuffle. As I got close to the check out area, one of the cashiers asked if I needed any help. I told her I didn’t think so and I worked my way past the self-checkout aisle. I heard her tell another employee that she thought she should call security.
“OK, my pants are ripped,” I confessed. “I’m going home to change my pants and then I will come back and pick up the things I need. I have nothing in my pockets and I just want to get out of here without too much embarrassment.”
She tried to keep a straight face. She really did. But as she realized what I was doing she couldn’t hold the laughter any longer.
“It’s not real funny to me,” I shouted over my shoulder as I ran out the door to my truck. I went home, changed my pants and prayed that the checkout personnel would have changed by the time I got back. I found the misplaced wood filler, picked up a nail set and grabbed the vent that started this whole fiasco. A different clerk rang up my items and I gave her my $50 bill for a $14.85 charge. She looked into the cash register and realized she didn’t have enough change. She called to a supervisor and after she was done gossiping with another clerk, she came over to my lane to see what the problem was. The two ladies looked at each other for a while and then the supervisor picked up a phone and called someone. What ensued was a thrilling 2 minute conversation where the supervisor was trying to convince someone that they really did need change. I looked to the clerk and told her to just void the transaction and I’ll pay with a credit card. I was told she couldn’t do that. When I asked her who can, I was told that it was impossible to cancel a transaction and I would just have to wait. The two ladies then took turns staring at me for a least another three minutes and I then offered to go get change at another store. Rejected again! I put on my best phony smile and showed them all the love I could as I asked how much change she had in the register. She had a $20 and 20 $1’s so I told her to count the change out since I would take the $1’s. She didn’t want to do that since she might need the $1’s for another customer. I gave her the LooK and the Tone as I slapped my hand on the counter and told her I want my money. Fearfully she counted out my change. I didn’t hear a thank you and I didn’t hear an apology but I didn’t care. My pants were still working, I had my money and I still had a job with Bluelinx so what more could I want. If only the rest of the day went so well, but that’s another story.
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